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An Asian Diet Pill Unlike Any Other
Most young East Asian women are on a perpetual diet and so should be able to sucessfully field this question: What's the most potent weight loss pill available?
The answer is a rather poorly-kept old secret that's now spreading across Japan, Hong Kong, mainland China, and, undoubtedly, into South Korea.
It costs only $40, but it works. Four pills and just forget everything else. That's right. No watching what you eat, no appetite suppressants or amphetamines, no sweaty exercise. Just four little pills full of parasites.
To be precise, tapeworm eggs. Usually the beef tapeworm, but nobody ever knows for sure since the pills are not manufactured by big pharma but rather small-time shady entrepreneurs.
Are they legal? No, not that that matters in China.
Then how does one obtain them? Easy. They're for ready sale on Taobao, the Chinese equivalent of eBay. Officially, they're not supposed to be. But they are.
But who is actually dumb enough to buy them? Most commonly, young women in their twenties. College students, office workers, but also actresses and anybody else tired of constant dieting and with no time to get out for a daily run (besides, many young Asian women have an aversion to physical exercise--it thickens the calf muscles).
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What happens next? Nothing for about two weeks. Then the pounds begin to melt away like butter. A week or two later, the itching and diarrhea begin. Next up comes the vomiting and stomach pains.
Tapeworms can cause serious medical problems, including the ultimate medical problem. They can grow to a good 80 feet in length and crawl out your mouth at the most inopportune times. Some (from pork) can form larval cysts in your brain that cause seizures.
Okay, fine, but are they effective? After all, staying thin is super important regardless of inconvenience and/or embarrassment.
Actually, some medical researchers claim the answer isn't all that clear, but come on! Diarrehea and vomiting are very reliable ways to shed lots of weight quickly.
How long will it work? Assuming you don't die (rare), the worms will keep growing for as long as you feed them or until your symptoms become so unbearable that hospitalization and anti-tapeworm poisons are pumped into your intestines. Then, if you're lucky (well, depending on how you look at it), all that weight you just lost will find its way right back onto your hips and belly exactly like it does with any other mindless fad diet.
Okay, but what if you live in the United States and can't stand the wait of UPS from China? Tapeworm pills were not available on eBay the last time we checked, but you can usually find them in Mexico at a cost of about $1,500. Plus any future medical expenses.
But really, don't.
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